Why Think Too Hard? 10 Fast Hardcore Bands Named After Movie Stars

Apparently, these Californian grinders are big fans of Bruce Campbell’s talents. Most people know him from the Evil Dead franchise, where he played the demon-slayer Ash Williams. As a kid, I watched the original trilogy a couple of times, and after each viewing I couldn’t sleep without the lights on, except for Army of Darkness, which was more funny than scary. Watching it again as an adult, I was honestly depressed by how primitive and shabby it looks. Most likely even Gen Alpha, raised on TikToks full of jokes and positive vibes, wouldn’t piss themselves over it today.

These Brazilian fastcore guys named themselves after a meme man long before Chuck Norris memes actually existed. The older generation knows him from action movies, where he usually played a tough guy skilled in martial arts. And he really is a master, holding ranks in various combat disciplines and even appearing in a film with Bruce Lee. For the general public, though, he’s probably best remembered for the very straightforwardly titled series Walker, Texas Ranger.

More Californians, this time obsessing over a much less charismatic character, mix grindcore, powerviolence, punk, and sludge in one bottle. Tom Hanks has had plenty of notable roles, the most successful probably being the goofy Forrest Gump in the film of the same name. I once watched it out of curiosity and didn’t get the hype at all. Nothing particularly “wow” stood out to me, just a superficial plot with obvious references, plenty of things awkwardly forced for the sake of a fairy tale, and a main character who, honestly, doesn’t inspire much sympathy.

The guys describe themselves as “political and satirical powerviolence/fastcore straight from the slums of Heultje.” According to the all-knowing neural network, Heultje is a fairly large village in Belgium with about 4,500 residents, and it even has a professional football club. John Travolta comes off as a weak actor in my eyes, having spent most of his career in forgettable films like Broken Arrow, Face/Off, and Swordfish. Yes, there were some strong roles, the clubbing Tony in Saturday Night Fever and especially Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction, but I’d say the list of truly notable performances more or less ends there.

British grindcore guys with a cool logo who didn’t last long around the turn of the 2000s and 2010s, releasing only a handful of records with not exactly ear-friendly music. Equally unpleasant to me was Joe Pesci’s on-screen persona, as he often played nasty characters like the robber Harry in the original Home Alone duology or Tommy DeVito in Goodfellas. In real life he doesn’t look particularly friendly either, though that didn’t stop him from winning several prestigious film awards.

Noisy Chileans shortened the name of the American/Russian action hero icon, screenwriter, musician, and aikido master Steven Seagal. He’s familiar to movie fans thanks to countless action flicks where he showed off his fighting skills, an impressive command of Russian profanity, and especially expressive facial acting. For these talents he was repeatedly nominated for the Golden Raspberry Award and even won it once. The musicians sharing his name are just as “talented,” their playing style guaranteed to impress even the most experienced listener.

Unfortunately, I haven’t seen a single film starring Sissy Spacek. According to Wikipedia, Sissy, aka Mary Elizabeth, was far from a nobody in Hollywood. She was nominated for Best Actress at the Oscars six times and took the prize once. Even less is known about the mysterious Americans behind the band of the same name. Active since 1999, they consist of two permanent members and various collaborators, and over the years have released nearly 200 records across noisecore, harsh noise, grindcore, musique concrète, and other genres unpleasant to the average ear. Agathocles might outdo them in sheer numbers, but the catalog is still impressive.

Eddie Murphy, an American stand-up star of the ’80s, built his mainstream fame on a long run of crowd-pleasing comedies like Beverly Hills Cop, Doctor Dolittle, and Holy Man. He’s probably remembered best for the Nutty Professor duology, where heavy makeup turned him into almost a dozen different characters in a single film. These days he seems to be back on top, so I wish him success, something the Italian band sharing his name has apparently already achieved. They crank out new releases almost every year, tour actively, and recently celebrated their 10-year anniversary, quite a rarity for noisecore.

Argentine powerviolence enthusiasts slightly mangled the name of the famous Hong Kong actor and singer. Rumor has it Jackie Chan performed all his own stunts, which landed both him and his stunt association on insurance blacklists. A huge number of injuries and broken bones mean that now, well past 70, he suffers from chronic pain. Still, he remains optimistic. For a stuntman, reaching that age is already a stroke of luck.

Fun fact, my dad was such a Jackie fan that he named his dog Chan. Despite being small, the dog was feisty and wasn’t afraid to pick fights even with monstrous beasts like Rottweilers. It’s quite possible the magic of the name played a role.

At least two Charles Bronsons are known to the world. One has spent about half a century in prison and has been in almost every correctional facility in Britain. The actor is a far more respectable citizen, never linked to criminal activity but appearing in numerous films, often playing a fighter against crime. The American powerviolence/fastcore band Charles Bronson didn’t last long, yet left a noticeable mark on the culture and are familiar to many hardcore fans, if only for their meme-worthy cover art that became an object of parody. Vocalist Mark McCoy later founded Youth Attack label, giving the scene many records it would be much poorer without.