Twottie: The Interview

This hilarious piece appeared in the second issue of 80’s anarcho-punk zine Still Dying from the UK. Yeah, punk zines were funny long before The Hard Times and the internet.

Twottie: Alreet, Bushwacked! Nicky nacky noo!

Panace: I’m not Gary Bushell – this is Panache on behalf of all your fans out there…

Me funs? Oh them stupid boggers. What the fock do they want?

Well, they put The Exaggerated’s album “Punks Are Deaf” in the charts for you, so surely you owe them an interview.

Now, look here, Jimmy. I don’t owe no focker nothin’, d’yae ken? I’ve been an absolute ‘orrible bustard tae git where I um today an’ I um rilly prood of it too!

Does that mean no interview then?

Aw… alreet but make it snuppy. I’ve no assaulted any innocent pussers bee yet and I’m running out of teem.

Why did you call the album “Punks Are Deaf”?

Ye no been tae one of our concerts, Jimmy? When The Exaggerated play we leeve every focker winds up deaf! Any ponk, y’see, who ain’t fockin’ deaf ain’y a real ponk cos it mins he canna sin us, d’yae ken?

I’d have thought they’d had to have been deaf in the first place to go and see you.

D’yae wanna ponch in the fockin’ mooth?

No thank you – I’d like an answer. What makes you so sure that The Exaggerated are the only true punk band around today?

‘Cos we are what ponks are all about, Jimmy… spittin’, fightin’, snuffin’ glue and pukin’ oop on the booss home.

You’ve been reading too many Sunday papers. That’s not what I think it’s about.

Ye dinna know fook all then, Jimmy. And dinna expect me tae ask ye tae explain your seed of the story ‘cos bein’ a narra-meended pig’s wot I think ponk’s all about too!

Tough shit, because I think that Crass, Anti-Pasti, Vice Squad and Flux of Pink Indians are more representative than The Exaggerated will ever be.

Flox of Punk Injuns? I eat them conts! How can ye like a grop that sings aboot common sense all the time?

They only want to unite people. What’s wrong with that, for heaven’s sake?

Wot the fook?! Kill a mod! Droon a hippie! Fock a ted, shoot a skin – that’s the only way tae feet the system, Jimmy!

Seems to me you’ve got a chip on your shoulder. Why must you hate everybody?

‘Cos I’m a real ponk, I keep tellin’ ye! I eat the fockin’ Pakis, the fockin’ Jews and I eat you too, Jimmy!

Is there anything you don’t hate?

Och noo! I eat the whole fockin’ wuld. Whites included, an’ thut’s wee um a ponk. Ee’ve got tae tidy things up a bit, d’yae ken? Look, I even eat the poxy furniture! (Proceeds to break the legs of his chair)

How do the other members of The Exaggerated feel, knowing that you hate them?

Oh, they’re no so bud, Jimmy. What d’yae thunk of Big Bum?

Yes, I admit he is a good guitarist.

So fockin’ what? The reason Big Bum is in ma fockin’ grop is ‘cos he weighs thutty stone!

Oh. What did you think of your Top Of The Pops appearance?

Rilly greet! It’s aboot teem the wuld got tae see a proper ponk band on the telly insteed o’ fockin’ Clush an’ them wunky Sex Pastals.

They’ve hardly been on there, and if it wasn’t for them you wouldn’t be here today.

Wot de ya fockin’ know aboot anything? Go and lusten tae yeer poxy Zooondz recards.

Zoundz.

That’s wot ah fockin’ said – Zooondz. ‘Ere, ma fockin’ legs ain’t harf fockin’ aching, Jimmy.

You broke the chair, Twottie. That’s where your problem lies: you just don’t stop to think before you act.

Bollocks! If it wasnae for me makin’ “Ponks Arr Deaf” ponk wud be dead un buried be noo!

Personally I think you’re killing the new punk resurgence with your irresponsible band.

Exaggerated. Barmy army! Exaggerated Barmy army!

Put it this way – what the new bands lack in the originality of the old, they make up for with twice as much commitment and enthusiasm, your band are just a cartoon caricature of punk who have more in common with Russ Abbott than Johnny Rotten.

Good job – I eat fockin’ ponk!

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